Indescribable Loss and Instant Love...all at once

This morning one of my Facebook friends posted an article on my page called, "Delivery Room Surprises: When Gender Predictions are Wrong." I read it and was extremely comforted. I now know that the way I've been feeling the past 8 days isn't odd or shameful. Other moms who've given birth to a boy instead of the girl they were told they were having, or to a girl instead of the boy they'd planned for, also feel the same way. After reading the article this morning and thinking and praying about it all day, I think I've narrowed down a "name" for how I'm feeling...

Indescribable Loss and Instant Love...all at once

When you've spent months bonding with a child, calling it by name, decorating a room, buying clothes, and celebrating with friends and family, you feel like you know the child before its even born. When that child is born and is identified as a different gender, it feels, as the article says, "like a piece of me had gone missing, in a matter of seconds, she had simply ceased to exist."  As soon as the baby is placed in your arms, however, there is also an instant love for the newborn, even though he wasn't who you expected. My heart immediately filled with love for Tyson. I was so worried about him. I felt so badly that I hadn't prepared for him, that hadn't "bonded" with him, that I hadn't celebrated him. Even now, as I type this, my eyes are flooded with tears because I feel like I lost the girl I had been dreaming of and let down this precious boy that God has given me. The emotions are strong and so confusing, not to mention they are laced with hormones! I had a dream ripped right out of my heart while a new one was placed in my arms.

Through it all, I've been learning to share my heart with God. He is the only One who truly understands these crazy emotions and He cares. This morning in my quiet time I read  Psalm 55:22 which says, "Cast your burdens on the Lord and He will take care of you." I don't understand what I'm feeling and frankly, I feel bad for feeling the way I do, but I am so thankful that I can cast, or throw off, this burden to my Heavenly Father and He promises to take care of me.

Today I am thankful that God keeps reminding me that He will take care of me and that He cares about the way I am feeling. He also continues to point out that I do not need to hide my feelings or feel guilty for this roller coaster of emotions. I am also incredibly grateful for this little boy He has placed in my life and for the family and friends who have helped me feel more prepared for another baby boy. I do feel as though a piece of me is missing but I know that God has given Tyson to me so that I can be his mother, and what a privilege that is!

 All of these emotions, the indescribable loss and instant love, they are just proof of a mother's love for her children, even before they are born and in the first moments she spends with them. And a mother's love is another precious gift from God. I don't know what the future holds or how long it will take me to actually process all of this, but I do know that my God is with me every step of the way and that is such a comforting thought.