Freedom Found in Chronic Illiness

Over the past 2 months, I have been coming to terms with the disease that will be my life-long companion. Believe it or not, I've found a great deal of freedom. 

I've spent years not feeling well, not having any energy, not being able to lose weight, not being able to do any physical activity without being in pain for days after. Almost every day I pretended to feel good even though I didn't. Hiding pain is hard and exhausting. 

I've tried everything. Seriously. I've done so many things to get well and feel better. I've changed my eating habits numerous times.... Trim Healthy Mama, Weight Watchers, The Next 56 days, Beachbody (3 different times I believe). I have done all kinds of exercise programs including yoga, pilates, walking DVDs, various cardio videos, walking/ jogging around the neighborhood, all of which ended soon after I began because my body just couldn't keep up. I've tried numerous supplements, fascia blasting rollers, essential oils, all natural pain remedies, Plexus, TruVision, Vitamins, cleanses, gut-health shakes and drinks and anything else you can dream of! I've seriously tried it all. (Just ask my husband!)

Not only have I tried it all, but with every attempt to get healthy and feel better, I was incredibly hard on myself when it didn't work. I would bust my tail to be successful with whatever attempt I was currently on, then I felt completed defeated when it didn't work. I also had countless people swear up and down that, if I just kept trying and didn't go "off plan"  or bought this product and added this pill, then these magic fixes would work and I would be feeling better. I must have heard "never miss a Monday" a thousand times. Now I know, I could have worked out every Monday and every other day of the week for the rest of my life and it wouldn't have made me feel better. The shakes I drank, the oils I used, and what I was eating was never going to take my fatigue and pain away.

I'm not saying the things listed above are bad things. I'm sure each one has terrific results with many people. I'm just saying that those supplements, diets, programs, etc aren't going to magically correct an auto-immune disease. I definitely need to eat healthily and be active but there is so much comfort in knowing that I didn't fail all of those times. Nothing I could have done would have made me better.

As I've thought back over these past years and how hard I've been on myself, God has helped me to see that only He knows what I'm truly dealing with on a daily basis. Other people mean well, but they just have no way of understanding what Ankylosing Spondylitis is doing to my body. I'm giving myself permission to ignore the input of others and trust myself, my research, and the voice of the Father. 

There is a sweet freedom in that, let me tell you. Freedom from being angry with myself when I can't do everything everyone else can do. Freedom from being embarrassed when I don't have the results others have. Freedom from feeling like a failure when I can't figure out a way to get better.

Today I am thankful that, after so many years of trying so hard, I understand why my attempts to feel better where never successful. Of course, I wish AS could be cured and I wouldn't have to deal with this for the rest of my life but, through this diagnosis, I have become so aware that God is leading and I am following. This is a part of the story He is writing for me. Others don't understand it, and that's ok.
 There is so much freedom here.

I am grateful that God is fulfilling His promises to me in the midst of this chronic illness. He is teaching me, comforting me, freeing me, and helping me to trust Him more because of Ankylosing Spondylitis.