Unashamed and Open-handed

A couple of weeks ago HopeCity shared part of my story via video during both services. The following day the video was shared on social media and has since been watched over 4,000 times. If you haven't seen it, here's the link:

https://youtu.be/AD4lqQFSVCA

It feels a little odd to know so many people have heard my story. At one time, not too long ago, I shuddered at the idea of even one person finding out. Now, somehow, I want to share my story. I want other people who have been covered in shame to be aware of the freedom that Christ has lavished on me. 

Last night I went to the Red Carpet Premier of the movie UNPlanned. This is a movie that everyone needs to see. It is very graphic and hard to watch at times but it's powerful. No one who sees it can say they don't know the truth about abortion. No one can watch it and not be appalled by the 1 million abortions that happen every year in the United States.

UNPlanned had a deep effect on me. I had never allowed myself to recall each and every detail of that terrible summer day in 1999. I had never considered exactly what occurred in that clinic. When I left there that day, I never allowed myself to return to that building physically, or in my mind. The movie stirred up all kinds of emotions and realizations. The images from the movie and from my memory have plagued me today. 

The enemy wants me to run and hide, never to discuss this issue again, BUT I REFUSE. I knew I had to face this head-on. I had to go where I had not let myself go before.

I had to go back to the clinic where my life changed forever.

It took me a long time to find it. It's no longer an abortion clinic (thank God!) After much research online, I drove to the location that seemed like it was the most likely place. I have deeply suppressed these memories over the past 20 years, so my memory was is very fuzzy. When I pulled into the parking lot I knew in my gut that it was the right place. I had to be sure, though. I walked in through the front door. My stomach was in knots as I entered. The rooms had been painted green and there were hair supplies and wigs all around. A young lady walked into the room and asked if she could help me. I asked her if she knew what the building was before they moved in. She bluntly said, "I've been told it was an abortion clinic." I honestly don't remember what I said next. I just remember walking out the door and feeling like I might faint. I had known it was the place but hearing her say those words made it so real. 

I sat in my car and allowed myself to replay the day in my mind. It was 20 years ago and I've pushed the feelings sooo far down but I was surprised at the things I remembered today that I have not remembered before. Those memories, along with the images from the movie, passed through my mind over and over again as I sat and stared at the building where I willingly allowed the enemy to rip something from me and he believed he would forever hold it over my head.

God is so faithful. He met me right there in front of that terrible place. He comforted my heart and reminded me of His love and forgiveness and of the freedom He has already poured over me. As I prayed over the hundreds of women who had the same experience in this building and all the babies that left there in a waste receptacle, God touched my heart in a way that He never has before. He assured me that my baby had a purpose and that part of it was this....that one day I would sit right here in this parking lot, 20 years later, and find pieces of my heart that I thought I had lost. God knew all along where I'd left these pieces. Part of its purpose would be to help me truly understand how important this issue is and be willing to take a stand.

I still can't believe this is part of my story. I cannot believe I walked into this building 20 years ago. It seems so surreal. Being there today was something I never dreamed I would do. This experience allowed my memory to open and shed light on the things I didn't even know were still hidden. It encouraged me to push forward unashamed and open-handed. I will not let the enemy take any ground here. I will allow God to use OUR story however He sees fit and I pray it will help others make a different choice or help them heal from the pain of the wrong choice.

I am so grateful for God's pursuit of me. Just as this building is no longer a place filled with pure evil, I am no longer a person filled with shame. Only God can do that! Sometimes we have to go with God and face our enemy head-on. It's hard but it's where He meets us face-to-face, revealing His power to use anything for good. 

God reminded me today that regardless of how many times the enemy tries to bury me, I will never stop growing and He will never stop loving me.