Exhausting...

Several months ago someone told me that I am an exhausting person. I wish I could say she was joking, but she was very serious.  Just in case you're wondering if you should say that to someone---don't ---those words are hurtful. While I wish I could forget those words, they just seem to keep replaying over and over in mind. The enemy has used those words repeatedly discourage me over the past 9 months or so.

As I've thought and prayed about being an exhausting person and what that truly means, the Lord has taught me a great deal. I've learned a lot, not only about myself but also about the power of a testimony.

Some folks will one day look back on their lives and realize it was lovely but pretty uneventful. They grew up, got married, raised kids, sent those kids out into the world, worked every day, and then retired. Some folks, on the other hand, will look back and see a life full of ups and downs, twists and turns, difficulty and joy, mistakes and triumphs, pain and exuberance, on top of all the "normal" things life brings. I don't believe one life is better than another, don't get me wrong, but some lives are a whole lot more "interesting" than others.

I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that my life looks a whole lot more like the second route pictured above. It's not because I've asked for it. Its just the way life (so far) has panned out for me. I can see how someone living a life that is quiet and steady, like route #1, may not understand the life of someone that is living out route #2. I can also understand why someone living a life that resembles route #2 might wish they had the easier journey of route #1. But you know, the path we take in this life is a gift from God. Whether it's steady and uneventful or rocky and full pain...life is a gift!

As someone that walks the zigzagging path, I have noticed something really amazing about this more difficult journey. The ups and downs and the craziness that comes along with it all are the perfect scenarios for witnessing God at work! Honestly, these painful and seemingly unfair times are when I've felt God's presence the most. Even during my current battle, I'm more aware of His activity in my life than ever!

So, I'm thinking my life actually looks more like this picture. The red dots represent times when I've seen or felt God. These are times when He has shown up in ways that only He could!

When I think about how many more red dots can fit on the 2nd route, it makes me grateful that I'm on the more strenuous, complicated path. There are so many more opportunities to see God at work! 

Whether your life is smooth and uncomplicated or your life is more like mine, with a hundred different issues, we all have a choice to make. We can share what God is doing and give Him glory regardless of circumstances or we can hide and worry about what people might think of our story. 

God has shown me these scenarios as I've been praying and thinking about being an exhausting person...

Inactivity leads to inactivity

(refusing to listen to or obey God leads to a whole bunch of nothing)

Yielding to God's plan leads to activity

 (Surrendering leads to seeing an abundance of God's activity in your life)

Concealing leads to hiding 

(Choosing not to share what God is doing leads to hiding your story which circles back to inactivity)

Vulnerability leads to a testimony

 (Being genuine and open and allowing God to use your story to bless others gives purpose to the trials in life)

I'm not gonna lie, as I've dealt with my diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis and the treatments that I will endure for the rest of my life, and all of the things God has been teaching me and showing me through this process, I have thought regularly about the person who calls me exhausting. The enemy has repeatedly used that conversation to try and shut me up but I'm choosing not to conceal and hide. I'm choosing to be vulnerable, genuine, and allow God to use my story however He sees fit. 

This is the story He's given me but He's promised to carry me through it. Why wouldn't I want to share as I watch His promises unfold in my life? I'll be ok if some folks think I'm exhausting. Chances are they just don't understand living out a life similar to route #2 or maybe they don't see the beauty in a testimony.

Today I am grateful that God has clearly shown me that I am not an exhausting person, I'm just vulnerable and willing to share. He's also revealed many people that are grateful for my openness and how He has blessed them through it. I'm also thankful for the painful, rocky journey because there are so many opportunities to see Him and share what He is doing!