Where We Direct Our Attention Directly Affects the Level of Peace We Experience

Recently I was reminded of many terrible memories from my childhood. I've been forced to walk back through my memories, and try to make sense of some things the 5-9 year old version of me simply couldn't make sense of. I have forgiven the people who made my childhood so hard and have a great deal of gratitude for the ways God has restored those relationships, but to be frank, those memories still hurt. I think many of us believe if we've forgiven someone and we've moved past a situation, the heartbreak will automatically disappear. It's not true, however, because heling is a journey, not a destination. 

The memories I've been reliving and trying to muddle through have caused me to took look back at the little girl version of myself with so much compassion and saddness. No one should have to endure what I've lived. I don't think I've ever really thought about how much those years impacted the years that would follow. It has given me a new perspective when I think about the 13 year old version of me that was desperate for love, and 16 year old version of me that chose to abort my baby, and the 19 year old version of me who drowned out my sorrows with alcohol and numbed my pain with drugs. I see things differently know when I remember the 22 year old version of me that allowed people to treat me poorly and the 30 year old version of me that lived covered in shame. I know now that all of those things were a result of so many other factors that compounded over the years. 

The hardest part about this week has been discovering the many lies that have been told over the years and feeling as though I'm being condemned for the way I've handled it, even though I was a victim in this scenario. It's no easy task to try and prove the truth of things that happened 30 years ago and explain the damage caused.

I've cried many tears and felt the heartbreak all over again, but God has reminded me that he was with me through it all and He still is. In fact, Psalm 23:6 says, "You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings." 

When I was 5, God was there. When I was 13, 16, 22, and 30, God was there. He has always prepared a feast for me, even in the midst of all that I was going through. I believe this means that even when there is chaos all around or when people are being dishonest and hurtful, God is inviting us to sit and dine with Him. When we sit with Him, the rest fades away. We are honored and loved and blessed when we are in His presence. 

For me, this is an invitation to keep my focus on Him, even when it feels as if my world is flipped upside down. That doesn't mean I won't experience emotions and even learn something through the difficulities, but I can choose to focus on the heartbreak and chaos, or I can put my eyes on the One who understands all that I've endured and invites me to dine with Him. He gives peace and comfort when the world gives heartbreak and sadness. 

This week I've learned that where we direct our attention directly affects the level of peace we experience. I pray that no matter what comes our way, we will all learn to shift our focus to the One who can give us peace and comfort no matter what is happening around us.

Tori